It's NOT postpartum - its a faulty connection
Struggling to connect.
We all love our children, we all hear stories of post partum depression, about the mom struggles of sleep deprivation, the this that and the third. What no one told me was that is was possible to have an emotional/physical disconnect between you and your child. It happened to me and I felt ridiculous thinking that I didn’t know if I loved/was attached to my baby girl likeI should be.
Wait, but that doesn’t sound like unconditional, motherly love/connection. There are plenty of people that love their children without being enamored with them - which is where I feel like I have been for a minute. All I can say that all of it takes time. that sometime you won’t know the cause of the disconnect until a bit later (months or like me, years ) when you can look back a patterns you didn’t know existed at the time.
History
A bit of a back story on my family history - Im second oldest of a six child household. My mother was an early childhood edjucator, had a childcare turned center for most of my life. There is not a time I remember that I wasn’t surrounded by children. And I loved it - I would have much rather hung out with children than people my own age most of the time.
First Year Of life
Fast forward to my experience with my daughter, Mila. I did not experience euphoria or any crazy emotional changes (other than the regular hormone balancing out post birth and when my cycle returned) when she was first born. My husband Ryan cried and I went right into responsibility mode the moment she arrived. That was my perspective moving forward. She was now my responsibility and being someone who was around children I pretty much knew exactly what do. And time went on with me being completely unaware of the lack of personal obsession/connection with my child. It wasn’t bliss. She was a hard kid, had colic, cried a ton, would hate it if my husband watched her. She wanted to be held but not cuddled. It seemed she herself didn’t want physical affection - which to me is a love language. The first years was a blur of beautiful and very difficult moments and all the while I felt nothing. Like she was a God given human that was now my responsibility but I didn’t need particularly need to like in order for her to grow in our family for the next extended period of time. Sounds…. not the healthiest, I know. But before you judge -
Patterns
I am a strong willed human by nature and due to my perspectives as a first generation American - I saw and understood the struggles my family went through and fully comprehend that everything good comes with a sacrifice of some sort. So I took the first two years of her life as a challenge. In that time we went through a global pandemic while living on a tiny island in the Pacific Ocean- Oahu, Hawaii, lost our jobs, lost our home, moved to states and now have finally come to a point of steadiness in the mountains of California. It wasn’t until I moved here and experienced a new friend being so innamered with her two children that I realized something was missing.
Looking back I realize that I disconnect myself emotionally from things/people that don’t serve/fill my positivity tank. I have what you could call a no BS brain and because I knew Mila wouldn’t be particularly “happy/positive” 90% of the time - I cut off my receptors to her. I saw her as a separate human who I was to take care of and nurture. My thought was “Just because I needed to be around her 24/7 doesn’t mean I needed to be effected by her in any way.”. It was how I dealt with my adult relationships prior to and decided , albeit subconsciously, that it was how I was going to continue. I did this in order to protect myself from going crazy the first year. If I gave into all of my frustrations I would have lost it on her sooo many times. I would have completely fallen apart. So I decided keep my heart separate for that time as security.
Something Changed
Mila Is now turning 2 and I can safely say that I miss her when I leave - I didn’t before and now I do. WHY? I think her starting to communicate which helped a lot. Communication gave us a common ground where before there was frustration on both sides. Over the last few months she has really developed her character and although stubborn and difficult she loves to laugh, dance and gets so much more excited about things. She is now a Positive presence in life for the most part and that is why I connect with her on a emotional level. - It could be a shameful thing to admit but we are talking candidly and I know that Im not the only one who likes their kids more as they have gotten older. The age and cognitive leaps play a big role in the way both parties relate to each other and that is not something to be ashamed of. We as moms are doing our best - We all have diffe4rent dispositions and personalities and will always have different experiences. Yours may not be mine. But to the woman reading this and nodding - I pray that you give yourself the time to grow into love with your child. It may take some time but I promise you, there will come a point when you feel that connection. You may not be aware of it happening but one day your heart will catch up with your head. Until then, do your best to love and be kind to your little and yourself.
Things you can do to help your mama self:
Take one evening a week (minimum of 4 hours ) to be on your own. FIND A WAY - i’m two years in and still haven’t gotten there.
Create an evening routine after the little is asleep - also haven’t gifted that one out but i’m working on it
Find small things to indulge in.
Don’t get frustrated with yourself when it doesn’t happen. But understand that if there isn’t a release then there will be difficulty keeping it together.
Warmly,
Janna Tenney